When I ask my single friends about their favorite dating apps, I'm often surprised to hear "Hinge, Tinder... and Feeld." This unexpected response raises a question: has Feeld, a platform known for its diverse user base, become the go-to dating app of the moment? Feeld's users include those interested in Shibari, polyamory, and Tantric sex, but it seems to be attracting a broader audience.
I joined Feeld in 2017, when it was a smaller, more exclusive community. As someone seeking open-minded connections, the app was a haven. I recommended it to my friends, but many were deterred by the mention of "kinky," leading me to see it as an "insider's secret." However, in recent years, Feeld's public profile has surged, with features in The New Yorker and the New York Times, as well as endorsements from TikTok influencers. Since 2022, Feeld has seen an average user growth of 30 percent annually, according to Fast Company and confirmed by a spokesperson for the app.
Today, it's clear that Feeld has transitioned from a niche platform to a mainstream phenomenon. This shift may be less about an increased interest in non-monogamy or kinks and more about a growing disillusionment with traditional dating apps. As "vanilla" individuals join Feeld, there's a concern that new users are looking for convenient hookups rather than sexual exploration. For more insights on the world of dating and relationships, visit computerstechnicians.com.
A Fresh Perspective on Dating
Emily, 28, who requested anonymity for privacy reasons, joined Feeld in March 2023. She was drawn to exploring kink, but primarily, she was exhausted by the "unadventurous and dull" men she encountered on Hinge, who were subpar in bed and unreliable communicators. Feeld was a welcome change. The men on the app weren't just kinky — they were honest, communicative, and kind.
“Engaging in conversations that were sexually charged yet devoid of ulterior motives was a breath of fresh air…it was built on a foundation of mutual understanding, respect, and open dialogue,” Emily revealed. When she went on dates with men from Feeld, there was no implicit expectation of intimacy, but if they did decide to take things to the next level, the experience was nothing short of exceptional.
For Emily, the experience was nothing short of revolutionary. After a string of unfulfilling dates, she had resigned herself to the fact that every man was inherently plagued by toxic masculinity. However, Feeld proved to be a game-changer, ultimately redeeming her faith in men. As she put it, “Feeld showed me that there are men out there who can exist in a way that is fully rooted in equity and respect.”
Lena, 28, who preferred to remain anonymous, also found Feeld to be a refreshing departure from other dating apps. Her previous partner had been uncomfortable discussing intimacy, and after their breakup, she was determined to find someone who could engage in open and honest conversations. Everyone she interacted with on Feeld was “super straightforward and communicative…and I think their openness made it easier for me to be open.” She appreciated how her Feeld matches would inquire about her desires within the first few messages, setting clear expectations from the outset. This was a marked difference from Hinge, where such conversations often took place on the first or second date. Moreover, her Feeld matches were far more responsive in their messaging, whereas on Hinge, the conversation would frequently stall.
It’s evident from online discussions that the dating landscape is currently facing challenges: Many people, primarily women, are complaining about men’s lack of commitment, the transactional nature of dates, and the disappointment of intimacy. Given Lena and Emily’s experiences, it’s no wonder why so many women are drawn to this app — a platform where expectations are clear, people are honest, and intimacy is fulfilling. This is the same reason why I initially joined Feeld: I wanted intimacy — good intimacy, intimacy with people who were comfortable expressing their desires, who were curious about my preferences, who understood consent, and valued comfort and communication above all else.
There’s nothing inherently taboo about that desire. People should be able to have those conversations on “vanilla” dating apps, but that’s not the reality. Sam Cat, a queer and polyamorous sex educator, noted, “I don’t know if a mainstream audience is looking for that level of sexual openness by default.” (Disclosure: Sam Cat created content for Feeld previously.)
“I believe everyone should embark on this journey, but it’s a considerable undertaking,” Cat remarked, alluding to the effort of dismantling the notions surrounding compulsory monogamy and sexual shame. “And for many individuals, if you’re not seeking an alternative form of relationship, there’s no significant incentive to invest in that work. I [understand] the desire to bring a sex-positive kind of openness to a mainstream dating app, but it genuinely stems from the users, not necessarily from the app itself.”
The pressing issue currently plaguing Feeld is a matter of grave concern.
Preconceptions and biases permeate Feeld
A recent surge of new Feeld users is misinformed about the app’s purpose, bringing their chauvinistic attitudes and sexual prejudices with them. A few months ago, I matched with a guy who bombarded me with questions about non-monogamy (my partner and I are open, and our profiles are linked on the app). Initially, he was convinced my boyfriend would “beat them up” if we ever met. Then, he decided my boyfriend had to be a cuck, right? I didn’t want to engage with someone so misinformed and close-minded about non-monogamy, so I stopped responding. Then, he hurled a derogatory insult at me.
I’d expect such behavior from someone on Hinge or Bumble, but not on Feeld. This app was designed for users like me, and it was now being overrun by the same biases I’d sought to escape. Why was someone like that even on Feeld?
A Feeld representative told me that “55 to 60 percent of new members share that they are into kink, enm [ethical non-monogamy], poly, threesomes, etc.” According to Feeld’s own research with Kinsey Institute fellow Dr. Justin Lehmiller, however, younger generations are actually fantasizing about monogamy (81 percent of Gen Z have, while 44 percent do so often). Still, despite this romanticizing of traditional relationship styles, Gen Z seems to be pretty adventurous, too: 56 percent of Gen Z reported having BDSM fantasies, while 55 percent of Gen Z Feeld users said they discovered a new kink since getting on the app.
Regardless of the fantasy, Feeld is a space where many people, like the women I spoke to, can be open and honest about sex. But somehow, in-between expressing how much they love the honesty and communication on the app, the message has been distorted. To some, the takeaway isn’t that Feeld is a place for open-minded individuals curious about kink or polyamory — it’s the go-to spot to find a quick one-night stand. Emily told a male friend she was on the app, and he said, “That’s the really easy hookup app for horny people, right?”
This platform was tailored to individuals like myself. Yet, it was now being infiltrated by the same biases I had sought to escape.
Eli, 29, who prefers to remain anonymous, uses the app to delve into kinks and non-monogamy. However, when he shares his experience with friends, he notices they don't quite grasp the concept. “Their ears perk up…[and] I definitely think a few of them had the intention to [use the app to] easily sleep with people.”
It's effortless to identify users who harbor this mindset. Typically, they're straight cis men who wouldn't look out of place in a fraternity setting. Their profiles are sparse, with only a few listed desires: “fun,” “casual,” “fwb” (friends with benefits), and “ffm” (female-female-male threesome). (How adventurous! A threesome with one straight guy and two women!)
However, what's even more alarming is the sexual expectations they bring to the table. Emily matched with a guy on Feeld who was more vanilla than her usual type, but she enjoyed chatting with him, so they set up a date. Immediately after making plans, he pressured her for intimate photos. She declined, and he continued to push, eventually replying, “Well, why are you even on this app?” when she finally told him, “No means no.” Emily shared with me that many of these users have an expectation that, “You owe me sex tonight because, the fact that we matched on this app, is like a blanket consent agreement.”
The male sense of entitlement that many women had sought to escape by downloading Feeld has now permeated the app. I've always valued my matches on Feeld more than those on any other app, and I was far more likely to engage in conversation with a Feeld match. Being on Feeld had been a sign that a person was open-minded, sexually comfortable, and respectful. I trusted that we shared more aligned values. But with this influx of new users, being on the app isn’t the same badge of honor it once was.
Safeguarding Feeld's kinky and open essence
When asked to comment generally for this article, Feeld’s global head of communications Ashley Dos Santos said, “We’re very thoughtful about how we grow the platform to educate our Members about our Safety and Community guidelines, which we evolve regularly based on their feedback. This approach empowers our community to navigate their unique journeys of self-discovery with a level of honesty and transparency that’s hard to find elsewhere.”
I want Feeld to remain a space where people can explore their sexuality. I want it to be a haven for open-minded and communicative individuals. But I also need new users to understand who the app is for, and to respect its ethos before downloading it.
I sought Cat's counsel on what guidance they could offer to newcomers entering this realm. "While it's impossible to circumvent the initial awkwardness of being a novice, as long as you approach with humility and a willingness to learn from those with experience, rather than bringing a sense of entitlement and unexamined assumptions," they reassured, "you'll navigate it just fine."
Feline has carefully curated a selection of endorsed literature, including Polysecure and The Ethical Slut. However, they conceded that although "initial education provides invaluable insight into this world...unfortunately, some aspects will inevitably be a process of experimentation and learning from mistakes."
Feeld still holds the potential to be a transformative platform. Emily acknowledges that her life would be drastically different if she hadn't joined Feeld. It was through the app that she discovered a sex-positive community offline and had her first experience with a woman. Since then, she's been consistently dating women. "Without Feeld, I'd still be insisting I'm the most straight-laced person alive."
This column represents the author's personal viewpoint.
